My hands are shaking as I type. I’d rather be working on my play. Or sitting in the backyard looking at the birds. Or, frankly, anything else right now. But I can’t keep silent anymore.
Yesterday there was a massive breakthrough for LGBTQ rights in the United States. The Supreme Court did the right thing backing protections for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer workers. Aimee Stephens, who was fired by her employer when she came out as transgender and whose lawsuit resulted in the historic decision didn’t live to see the outcome.
Oluwatoyin Salau, a Black Lives Matter activist, was found dead one week after she went missing in Florida; she’d been murdered. Sometimes the only way to silence marginalized women is to kill them. Or, make them so grateful for a work opportunity, they’ll stay silent so they won’t jeopardize their career.
Two weeks ago a theatre company, with whom I’m associated, asked me to consult on a Black Lives Matter statement. I have been filled with rage, sorrow, and helplessness since the murder of Breonna Taylor and George Floyd, but I’ve kept fairly quiet online. My Dad raised me to be ‘nice’, but on the other hand, he also taught me how to throw a punch when necessary. Now that I’ve seen coverage of two dead women who spoke their mind, I’m ready to drop the gloves.
When I was invited to be a part of this theatre company I was surprised and wary. They hadn’t really fucked with Black people so, what gives? I wanted the opportunity, though. It felt like a marriage proposal I wasn’t expecting, and I said YES! I convinced myself that they were changing, moving into the twenty-first century, really understanding the value of diverse storytelling. I was going to have support around the creation of my very Black play, and I would be able to say, ‘See, this company is what I believed it could be.’
But when I read the email from the company on June 2, 2020, I was heartbroken. Oh. Of course. Nobody from the company had reached out to me before to ask how I was coping with the onslaught of blood, violence, terror, and white supremacy I was seeing 24 hours a day on the news and online. But now, they needed me. See, my body in its Blackness is a just a signifier for some people. They look at me and know what I can do to make them look good, appear woke, and absolutely not racist.
I pushed down my displeasure and disappointment. I wrote back a nice, apologetic (yup) email explaining that I had just received their request because, to protect my brain and heart, I do not turn on my laptop or phone until noon. I was thanked and told to take care of myself.
But, it bothered me. I sat with it. I didn’t tell anyone. Then there were more deaths. I told someone at the company about being contacted to help with the online statement and they confided that the boss initially didn’t want to post Black Lives Matter because, “what about other groups?”
Another blow. I felt hurt again. Can I trust any institution to protect me? I’ve been in so many instances where micro and macro-aggression has been used against me and didn’t have anyone to defend me. Will that be my experience here? Considering the homogeneity of the staff, and the weak BLM statements that were ultimately posted, I’m primed to be in the defensive position for at least another 8 months.
I know there are probably a lot of people reading this and thinking, ‘You were naïve. Did you really think your presence at a historically very white company was a watershed moment?’ And, you know what? I did. I was optimistic and proud of myself. I believe in progress and the ability of older, white-dominated spaces to listen and change. But not this one. At this company my Black Body is a pawn for virtue signalling and performative allyship. And as a character in my play, Controlled Damage, says, ‘the fish rots from the head.’
I hate that this is happening, but my sadness has become so multi-layered and complex that I had to share it with you. Hopefully, it will inspire you to speak up (unlike me) when you believe a wrong is being committed. We are all society has for a fair, equitable future.
#BlackLivesMatter #BlackTransLivesMatter